Two in One: How We Choose Our Relationships and How They Affect Us
Relationships.
What crosses your mind when you read the word “relationships”– sadness, warmth, anxiety?
Relationships are at the heart of human experience. The connections we form with those around us shape our reality and well-being in profound ways. As social beings, we inherently seek those that offer us comfort, validation and a sense of belonging. They may bring us joy, teach us lessons and—let’s be honest—sometimes drive us a little crazy.
But have you ever paused to wonder how we end up with these connections and, more importantly, how they affect our health? Our relationships don’t just happen to us. They are a reflection of our choices and circumstances, manifesting through a tapestry of decisions, experiences and subtle psychological forces.
So, if you’ve ever found yourself thinking, “Why is this person even in my life?,” join us as we take a closer look at the fascinating interplay of how we choose our support systems and how they shape the people we become.
The Choice is Yours
Sometimes, we feel like we just “have chemistry” with certain individuals. It may be hard to explain, but psychologists have dedicated time to provide us with research that can demonstrate how relationships are not a passive coincidence, but an active process that involves our decisions, biases and history. Here are some examples:
The Pull of Proximity and Familiarity
We’re gonna start simple: You know the phrase, “Out of sight, out of mind?” Research has been only showing how accurate this is! To control who you want in your life, start by controlling who you surround yourself with. According to evidence-based models, we tend to gravitate towards the individuals we’re increasingly exposed to and are familiar with. Be careful, though! The caveat is: This increasing attraction only occurs in appropriate contexts and relationship stages.
2. Values and Beliefs
The people we choose often reflect our values, beliefs and even aspirations. Relationships thrive when there’s alignment in what matters most. Think about it: Do you feel closer to people who share your sense of humor, your worldview or your goals? That’s no coincidence. Our connections often mirror the things we hold dear.
3. Childhood Experiences
We’ve heard it all before: The famous theory of attachment styles! It’s true, our childhood experiences tend to influence the way we perceive relationships. Proposed by Bowlby, attachment theory explains how early interactions with caregivers shape our patterns of connection and emotional security. According to this, some of us may actively seek relationships that allow for intimacy and emotional support, while others tend to withdraw or avoid deep connections to protect themselves from potential hurt.
Here’s where we need to be careful: At their best, relationships act as a safe harbor, offering comfort and growth. But when we choose relationships solely out of fear or insecurity, we risk entering connections that drain rather than uplift us.
The Power of Human Connection
Human relationships are a cycle of influence– our choices affect the way they form while the connections themselves become a foundational component in our well-being. Here are some unnoticed ways our relationships have an impact on us:
The Ripple Effect on Mental and Physical Health
Do you sometimes feel like a friend is just giving you a headache? Growing research is showing that a good support system does not only impact your psychological well-being, but it affects your physical well-being as well! In fact, the impact of your interpersonal relationships can even start from infancy, with those having unhealthy parental relationships experiencing negative effects on their developing biological stress response system. As individuals grow up, those struggling with relationships start to either externalize or internalize symptoms of distress.
Behavioral Contagion
Have you ever picked up a new habit because of someone close to you? Maybe you started exercising because your partner does or became more adventurous because of a friend’s influence. That’s behavioral contagion in action—the tendency to adopt behaviors, attitudes or even emotions from those around us.
This phenomenon can work for or against us. Positive relationships can inspire us to grow, while negative ones might reinforce harmful habits or thought patterns.
Growth and Transformation
The best relationships are those that challenge us to become better versions of ourselves. They push us out of our comfort zones, offer constructive feedback and celebrate our successes. These are the connections that leave us feeling supported, yet inspired to grow.
However, not all relationships are growth oriented. Some can hold us back, whether through manipulation, excessive dependency or resistance to change. Recognizing these dynamics is key to understanding when it’s time to set boundaries or step away.
Balancing Choice and Impact
So, how do we navigate this two-way street between our agency and the relationships that affect us? It starts with self-awareness. Here are some actionable steps to guide you:
Reflect on Your Patterns: Are there recurring themes in the relationships you’ve chosen? Do you often gravitate towards people who bring out the best in you, or do you find yourself in draining dynamics? Identifying these patterns can help you make more intentional choices moving forward.
Set Boundaries: It’s a hard pill to swallow, but relationships fluctuate, and that’s okay. Learning to set healthy boundaries with people who no longer align with your values or needs is an essential step towards protecting your peace.
Nurture the Positive: In this modern world, where social media could be misused for superficial connections, let’s take a moment to think: Who helps you feel seen, supported and inspired?
Invest in the relationships that foster emotional connection, instrumental support and gratitude. Reach out more often, express your affection in ways that feel appropriate to you, and prioritize quality time. This is the system that will fuel your growth and resilience.
Seek Growth Opportunities: Learn together, grow together! Surround yourself with people who challenge you in positive ways. Whether it’s a mentor who pushes you to achieve more or a friend who encourages you to try new things, these relationships can be a catalyst for transformation.
Don’t Forget Yourself: Our relationships are merely a reflection of our inherent tendency for respect and growth. When you nurture your own well-being, set goals and practice self-compassion, you naturally attract healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
Remember: The connection with the self is the strongest foundation that will guide you towards deeper, more meaningful relationships and personal fulfillment.
A Delicate Dance
Relationships are a delicate dance between choice and influence. When we approach our connections with intention, self-awareness and a willingness to grow, we unlock the power of relationships to bring out the best in us.
Your relationships are more than a reflection of your life—they’re an active ingredient in creating it. Let’s choose wisely and nurture deeply.